Hindi ako masaya sa mga bagay bagay and it's unfortunate that people are gonna be reading my rant

prior to typing this, i'd already organized my thoughts. and upon typing this, i forget everything because of the mind fuckery i hear here: [link] lalo na sa 6:47.. so expect clutter in this wall of text

so here..i feel boxed up..it's been 3 years since i've trained under Gilbert Monsanto and my art is NOT what i'd figure it to be three years into the future. it takes time, yes but in a span of three years, it’s apparent that I’ve not improved by leaps and bounds.

school isn’t helping me get better either. My FREHAND (freehand) prof simply wore us out and made us listen to effing Kanye West every fucking week. If I learned anything, it would probably have been patience (kasi mahirap yung ginawa ng klase naming na pagta-tiyaga dun!) at dahil sa kanya, natutunan naming maging hindi balat-sibuyas. But then sir Gilbert already taught me that. but still. Friends from higher batches reading this, please point me to the profs that YOU’d deem ‘magaling’ para may matutunan ako.. I trust you guys. Minalas ako (kami) with that one. Like I said, school isn’t helping me get better, but then I’m only in second year. Malay natin magaling mga maging prof sa susunod.

I’ve never felt contentment with my art, and hopefully I never will. But right now, im brimming with feelings of utter discontent.

And then, as stupidly entertaining as it might be, we get wind of Carlo Caparas’ receiving an award as a national artist. Sobrang unlikely na mabasa nya to, pero sir, hindi po para sayo yan at alam mo yun. Kung talagang sakanya yan, hindi nya kakailanganin magtanggol. Wala ka dapat patunayan. Siguro patunayan nalang na di ka pa kalbo sa ilalim ng sombrero mo, yun lang.

But someone like me does. Habang umeepal ako kasama nila sir Heubs nung Con, it became apparent to me how much i lack as an artist and how much more i need to learn. Ganyan pa pala ka-layo hahabulin ko!

Sir Heubert tells sir Gilbert that from the kids he’s seen who are into comics, I have the most potential. Then my master goes, “yun yung word eh! ‘ potential!’.. those words mean a lot, they really do and words are titles and it can’t be YOU who decides what title you think you deserve (bwiset yung video talaga eh! Hahaha!) kaya thank you talaga dun. Di ko hahayaan bawiin nyo yung sinabi nyo.
it's nice that i get to rub elbows with those artists sometimes, nakikipaglokohan pa nga ako na may certain kamuka ako diba? but i'd like to prove that i deserve to..

Sir Heubs, you’re living the dream now, and I’m happy for you. And I am gonna work my nails off to get there

and if i've worked my nails off, then i'll work my fingers off...
hindi na ako masa-sidetrack ulit.

first things first. i dont care about the money, i dont even care about exposure anymore.
ang pakialam ko lang ay gumaling